“Chasing Cars” by: Snow Patrol

reflections in a mirror

I see a world full of illusions.  Gazing into the mirror, a subtle deceptiveness of confidence is revealed through the weakness, insecurity in my longing eyes.  Truth revealed through uncertainty.. smiles and genuinity fade away to darkness and tears…confusion.   Yet, it knows the inner most depths of how small.. fragile and broken i am.  How solemn..and alone I must walk, easily deterred with lost facades of hope.  I yearn,  grasping for joys of days past.  Once so proud in the heavens, glorious morning skies gone with tomorrow distant, birds chirp endearingly to fragrant dews of days forgotten. Frosty breezes and velvet skies are felt.. with outstretched arms i call and wait for the compassionate embrace of life, yet they fall heavy and barren.  Holding dearly to every ounce of light in the passing sky, every ray i treasure with new hopes, every breeze felt, every golden glimmer warmth to a tired soul.  I inhale deeply remembering the echoes heard only in my heart, played again and again in tempered bliss.   The sounds of laughter now gone..  i wonder why?  So many horizons in the past.. so many wonders swept away in the tide, crashing and taken from my life, to be seen only in distant dreams.  My reflection cries desperately.  Mocked in contempt for even trying.   Every false move and clumsy act is noticed..questioned critically i try to answer in vain hopes. . 

The essence of living and the worth of life. .

yet. . .  

Grace for yesterday and perserverance for tomorrow.

but still i wonder why.

“Like A Star” : by Corrine Bailey Rae

 

“Come Into Spring” by: MC Sniper

your song Suzie

Hillsong: “Came to My Rescue”

Putting it in his hands.

Ever since I came to Korea my life has been an adventure.  From the many ups and downs..I have experienced much and yet I still have much more ahead.  Nevertheless, I started this website for a specific reason..and I no longer have this reason to continue posting blogs.  From now on, I will keep a private journal of my experiences here, and all of the paths God will take me.  However, tomorrow is not promised..and our worries, doubts, fears are all things that God can handle.  I trust in him wholeheartedly.  I trust him that he will work out the situations in my life that I have no control over…and in his way do I find peace.  I sincerely feel that every moment is precious..and I wanted to give thanks to all who have supported me.

To My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ:

You are my rock and my strength. 

Without you..
I am nothing.

without your grace

I am lost. 

 I am clueless in this cynical world without your guiding voice and compassionate life-giving guiding hand.  Everyday is a wonder and I am amazed at your eternal love..how much you sincerely love and care for… me.. in such a profound implicit way.  I look to you for my future, my present, and understanding my past.  Your prescence has been there for me when all have gone…you carry me when I am weak..support me when my feeble body can no longer sustain. I dedicate my all to your name and passionately carry the joy of representing your cross.  Daily I am overwhelmed and humbled.. let it be my life’s goal to seek your way.  Not my way will I succeed…but only your way is there hope.  You are my hope and without you I am nothing.  I love you Lord…in my shephard I find peace and love.  I owe you my all.  With all that I am I humbly, undeservedly proclaim in your name.. Thankyou.

Dad: You are an amazing person and even though I could not understand you for a long time.. I see the earnestness in your heart and the humanity in your actions.  Even though the world has been tough..you have always endured and persisted diligently.  You have my respect, my love, my appreciation.  I would not be the man I am today without your guidance. 

Mom:

You are my heart and my laughter.  I love you wholeheartedly..and I cannot feel anything but gratitude for all you have sacrificed for me and Warren.  You are my one true angel in this world and without your love and support life would have been..so disappointing.  Thankyou mom and I will always try my best until my last breath to fulfill the hope and potential you have given me…and to bring you an ounce of happiness that you have given me will only allow profound joy.  I owe my best to you and you will always be the rhythym my heart dances to.   Your love and guidance is priceless.. worth more than all the gold and materialism in the earth.. I love you.

Warren:

No one on this planet knows me and understands my personality sincerely like you.  Ever since I was a baby..you have been the dominant figure in my life.  From beating me up as a kid.. to teaching me how to be cool in high school.. you will always be someone I respect and treasure as a role model in shaping who I am.  Even though we had our hard times.. I sincerely look forward to seeing you again and developing that relationship with you that I miss terribly.  Thanks man.. you are my only other me.

Andy:

Not a day passes that you don’t cross my mind.  I still remember all the times we shared together..how you took me under your arm and treated me like a brother.  Even though our blood is not the same..we are brothers..and I look forward to the day I can see your face again.  I love you man and this world is less without you… moo goo for life.

Daniel:

Even though we really didnt get a chance to know each other growing up.. I still really respect you as a person and as blood.  Thanks a lot for being there for me and Warren.. I sincerely hope to get to know you more in the future. 

To the VKUMC CREW:

Jikang:  Wow.. yo.  cant wait to get back to VA to see how you doing man.  Thanks for always being there.  Remember when we had that b-day party for you and you spit the gum in the cake….muhuahhahah.  Your like my budda man from another mudda.  Lets get 1st place next time at the tourney! Ballers for life.

Alex:  Yea man.  Watching you grow from the first time we met to now has been crazy.  Your doing your thing and I am proud that you made that transition into a man…even with all the bumps.  I have learned so much from you too..and I look forward to breakin dem ankles in ball very soon..get ure game up!  Ima get that gift soon to dawg..i know im like a year + 1/2 late.. hope you still got it lol.  You know Im always here for you bro.. 

Big D: Hope you doing good man.  I know its hard out there in the middle of nowhere.. keep up though.

Little D: Yo! man.. dont leave stupid comments like that on my myspace.  Friends for life!

Taehoon:

Your gettin pretty strong there buddy.  Keep hittin the books man.  I know you are a wonderful person with a very bright future.  With you.. I’de say knowing yourself and self identity will be your greatest strength.  Your pretty head-strong and have an in-depth perspective..something I have noticed and appreciate. 

Grace:

You will be my doctor one day.

Yesoo:

You are like the sweetest girl I have ever met.  I cannot believe there are actually people as nice as you in the world..thanks for your truthful encouraging words.  You are like the sister I wish I could have had.

Hyo:

you helped me and for that i will never forget.  i will always remember the girl who cared for the elderly..and dedicated her life to bring joy to others. 

Dan, Eunice, Dah-Hae, Robbie, Chasity, Eun-sil, Luke, Dan Oh, and the rest VKUMC.  Thanks for the support..just wanted to say thanks!!

Sulkiro:

Thanks so much for your support and your interesting conversation topics that we have shared.  I remember the first time I heard of you..i read a postcard you sent.  Reading your words and the flowing descriptive sentences, I remember vividly having an insight into the unique individual behind the ink.  I sincerely regret not having the opportunity to have met you in person.. I think it would have indeed been great!  However, I believe that your genuine attitude and frankness about the world makes you unique, and I hope you continue to always express your perspectives to the world in all of its vivid hues.  You will always be the x-factor that life desperately needs sometimes.  And your boyfriend seems like a really great guy!

Thanks for all who have read my blogs..and I look forward to seeing you guys soon!!

Be safe. B E Z!

Open for the world to see…

My eyes in America are closed.  I find myself often wondering what is going on there?  The news, politics, current affairs.. I am clueless to the latest events and it is sometimes scary.  But more importantly, I really wonder how life is back in the states for my close friends and family.  Everyone always tells me positive things… nothing negative.  This is the ultimate paradox and it really makes me worry.

Writing in a website is not easy.  Pouring out your heart and soul..thoughts and emotions online for all to read about feels unnatural…  Nevertheless..i feel that someone out there will be able to see my struggle and live and learn from the things I have encountered.  All of the heartache and loss..seeing new sights and meeting new people.  Maintaining integrity and strength amidst such blatant corruption is not easy.  Maybe someone will truly understand something from my words..wisdom gained from an insightful mind.  However, there is so much more i would like to write..so much more i would like to share and open up…but i haven’t the courage to do so.

i want to pour out my heart, to truly express my every desire and urge, worry and fear.  I have so many things going on in my life here daily, and even in America that i can swim in a pool of my own doubts and worries if i allowed myself such liberty.

I just wish there was a way to know.  If i could truly know what is in the hearts of people my life would be easier. 

Ewan and a “light” sparring session

“Alright.. Ewan.  We’re just gonna go light this round OK!!  I want to make sure I get my moves down right”  I say.

“Sure..no problem.. just like this..??” he  jabs lightly at my forearm. 

“Yea..thats good!!”

“Good.. are you ready?”  ..”yea.. i’m ready!!”

…the bell chimes…”dingggg”

Earlier in the day I played football for the university…  Before that me and some friends ventured to the Yonsei court for a few games of basketball with the locals.  Already I am exhausted…looking inwards for motivation and strength.  I pray to God for strength and clear sight and thinking..and I am blessed to receive it.  I emphasize this to Ewan and the look in his eyes tells me that he understands.  Good…I am ready.

Me and Ewan dance around each other in the ring..my arms are heavy with the weight of the gloves and I cannot breathe from the headpiece that is strapped around my face.  I watch his moves and anticipate his punches..but we are really cautious…initially.

The whole gym stops mid…everything to watch Ewan and I in the ring.  The coaches are standing in the back..arms crossed ignoring the TV set that is blaring unattended in the background.  I notice a group of cheerleaders in our corners..and I try earnestly to block out all that is around me.  I ignore everyone and enter into my own mental zone.  There is only me..my gloves..and Ewan in front of me..menacing me with his eyes..anticipating my moves.  I throw a jab..harmless and…light.  I estimate my range to his face…calculating his reaction time.  We dance around each other and he cautiously throws a jab..then another.  I get a feel for his movement and I score the first punch.  Faking the jab..I come in with the right hook..lightly.. simultaneously noticing my coach eagerly anticipate the action in the corner.  At this point..early into our first match the dynamics of the fight have already changed.  Adrenaline rushing into our veins..this is no longer a “light” match as I am about to discover.  Ewan is a bit unsettled and comes in harder.  “Jab..jab..hook”.  He scores his first blow and I take a step back from the force.  Definetely not…”light”.  I again tell him that this is a light sparring match..and receive an appreciative nod.  “Sorry”..he mutters.

However..actions speaks louder than words.

For the next three minutes..I find myself in a brawl. 

Hooks and uppercuts are thrown…selflessly and wholeheartedly.  I jab..sidestep and jab again.  I score a punch to his face and notice his sloppy movements.  But he is quick.  Really quick.  He comes in and jabs twice to my face going hard to my body torso.  I feel his power but make him pay dearly with a couple of jabs.  “One Two” I count off in my head.  He grunts and I continue..but I am already exhausted.  Dancing around the ring I feel the weight of the gloves increasing..and I continue jabbing.  “Hook..Hook..jab jab.. side step jab.” My coaches eyes are intense… and I hear a chorus of advice..   (in Korean) amidst the heavy breathing that fills my world.  My head is throbbing from his last punch..but I see the insecurity in his eyes.  I cannot let him know that I am tired and weak.. I have to show my strength.. I will not lose. 

But I do.

Halfway through the 3rd round I call it quits.  I am sincerely annoyed at myself for putting myself in this position..but intensely proud that I stood up to a seasoned boxer and did very well.  Blood trickles from my nose and a friend hands me a tissue.  My coaches nod their heads at me..”Goo Dah Chi” they all say.. many of them asking me if I sparred before.  My head is throbbing and my jaw doesn’t shut properly..now.  But I feel that every punch I thow and beating I take irons me out to be that much of a stronger fighter now and in the future.  Tomorrow I will work on my uppercuts and ducks… 

This first loss of mine I will not easily forget either…a tremendous motivation for me in the future. 

 

April…what day is it anyway???

Korea is so beautiful now.  The cherry blossoms are blooming and the air is alive with the fragrances of Spring.  Even though the allergies will be coming soon..I am excited to see life again shake off the gloom of winter for the bright ornaments and colors that are awakening.  Every day as I walk to class I am amazed at the cherry blossoms and how beautiful the scenery on campus is.  Vines are now budding and like a movie there are so many vivid sights that often I stop mid-stride just to appreciate the beauty that flows through my spirit.  My stride is a little lighter and I smile a lot more these days… I feel happy inside and the touch of something greater on my life.  My days are so busy…from start to finish I am constantly a being in motion..yet I find time to treasure the people who are so important in my life here in Korea, and learn as much as I can in this limited time.  I have met amazing people from all over the world.. all gathered here in a nexus of learning and self proclaimation.  Intellectually, I am stimulated with conversations from PHD Students from Berkeley, undergrads from MIT and Harvard.  Business students from Brown and Cornell.  I tell them about my remote school and surprisingly many of them have heard of it and I am genuinely intrigued as to how.  Yet, I find that regardless of name or school I have as much wit and mental aptitude with many of my newfound friends and that in itself is a tremendous boost to my self-realization in this world. 

Today was such a beautiful day and I am looking forward to many more with this new joy in my heart.  Suddenly, at moments, I will remember something and I feel a twinge of.. sorrow that endures for a moment.  But, I am happy for the sorrow in my life since it is a reminder and indicator of something greater.. and the ever present struggle to continually move forward. 

I got my first haircut today in Shinchon, by my new found hair dresser Soon Mi.  She styled my hair in a fobby Korean style..and I am probably going to add highlights very soon.  I really like it!  As the sun is shining I feel very comfortable in shorts and my favorite green/white t shirt with my Brad Pitt sun-glasses and life seems gracious.  Tomorrow is football practice though with the Eagles..and Jiu Jitsu and Boxing before and after class..and I am not sure what shape I will be in then. . .

However, I am looking forward to the Bible Study with my new study group… and our leader is a Christian who is amazing in every way possible.  Tonight..I still have much to do but I must sleep or else I will definetely pay regretfully in a couple hours. 

Goodnight.

My New Favorite Riddle…that I actually figured out!

You are a traveler in a distant land.  Your ultimate destination is heaven..but there are many obstacles blocking your path.  After fighting and struggling through every and all hindrances..there is only but one challenge that remains. 

As you are walking..you encounter a fork in the road.  There are two (2) paths that you can take.  One path leads to your ultimate destination..heaven, whereas the other leads to hell.  Guarding these two paths are two guardians.  They are physically similar in appearance and all attributes, except for one monumental difference.  One guardian is an avid truthteller and can tell nothing but truths.  The other guardian is the quite opposite, and only tells lies.  One guardian guards the pathway to heaven.. the other guards the pathway to hell.  You do not know which guardian guards which path.  You are only given the opportunity to ask one (1) question to one guardian to decide which path will take you to heaven…or hell. 

Think carefully and consider the riddle.  The answer is easy but compelling..I was amazed I could figure it out, but only after very careful consideration of all the variables that are presented in the puzzle.  Props only help to a certain degree…

Remember..you are only allowed one question for one guardian…and it is possible. . .

Goodluck.