the happiness inside

the happiness inside

so rare indeed..sunshine and love so pure

birds chirp in choral laughter..wishful wind hums freely aloft

trees sway in joyous dance and ants merry along

all to the tune of that wishful hum heard in the heart of love.

afternoon sun warm in glow radiant to life’s eye

slowly eclipsing fading away

all beautiful things we must part ways

happiness inside you are my joy please stay…alas..don’t go!!

oh happiness inside i will see you again..

forever inside you will reside..

oh happiness..oh happiness..please never forget..

dear friend..until we meet again.

im sick..

i am sick..and it really sucks.

for the first time in Korea..i really feel miserable..my throat itches and i feel dizzy.  I have taken some medicine my room mate has given me..and I feel like i am caught in a time warp.

im not going to class today.  I dont have energy, and I have to rest myself for boxing tonight.  I will go rain, snow, sleet, hail..

Being sick sucks, but i guess its part of the experience.  I will eat some food, drink some OJ..and sleep away this dizziness.

the lonliness inside

this is the first and last time i will write something like this..

my poem of hope and disappointment. 

 ~the lonliness inside.

Why do i feel this way?

…forlorn hands reach for empty grasps..

love has gone its way.

this loneliness inside,

i cannot bear.

where is the love that once sustained…?

come back and stay…but please dont look so reluctant..

no.. no..    go your way.

the loneliness inside…

only lasts for a day. 

Out of my despair comes hope..

sorrow..pain..regret.. I must endure..

nevertheless..

a new happiness will come today.

ohhhh!!!  lonliness inside where have you gone…?

have you gone your way..?

i once gave you my heart and my trust..

no…no.. i cannot today.

The loneliness inside was yesterday,

a memory it was indeed.

The test of time is truest still..

Until true joy comes its way.

Nae Epoun Sae.

i feel like writing..

…entering into the gym..there is an immediate atmosphere reminiscent of pain…hard earned and familiar in this setting.  The lingering odor of sweat and moldy dust clings to the air like a degenerate child clinging to the apron of his mother..unable and unwilling to let go. The ceiling is low..barely high enough for the jump rope to clear its rotation around the jumper, and strange marks litter the floor and walls, etched in dark oil pastel colors, gritty to the eye and unpleasant.  Looking into the eyes of my colleagues, I see grim unwavering stares, a composure tempered through determination and will.  An air of solemn understanding wavers through each jump and punch echoed throughout this degenerate building.  A concentration and persistence bonds together all in this room, old and young, male and female, eager to grasp the glory and respect only sheer perserverance will gain. 

Walking through the streets of Shinchon at night, with loud cars and noisy teenage girls giggling in unrestricted glee, one has a feeling life is nothing more than a circus, a cacaphony of inmutable sounds.  Occasionally, a motorist harshly screeches the brakes, followed with cautious glances from onlookers as dust and smoke engulfs every breath painstakingly taken.  People cover their mouths, attemping to offer a degree of protection from the skimpy nylon fabric often worn..I myself breath shallow and hastily, as if moderation in breathing will help purify this convoluted air.  In such an environment, I cannot imagine anything pure and skillful can persist, let alone linger meaningfully amidst such chaos and impurity.  I take turns with my imagination reasoning how wonderful the boxing gym my friend Aaron is taking me must be, after all, top fighters from around the world are produced at this very gym..certainly such respect would translate into dollars..(or wons)..equalling a state of the art facility.

Well..I guess not in Korea.

Glancing at the rusty decadent building for which entrance fees could sustain a family in Cambodia, I have a depressing turmoil raging within myself..to dedicate my effort and life to such a place will certainly be a mistake.  Nothing good can come from such a decision I reason.  Nevertheless, I am prepared to find out why Aaron of all people, a top notch MMA fighter would have chosen such a place, being that his judgment is something I have learned to trust.  And I am right..or I guess you could say he is too.

“One Two..one two..dont move your feet!!”  “Gaeesaaeki..punch like this..  NO NO NO..LIKE THIS!!!”  Agonized faces accompany such words, a face I myself recently have acquired.  The reasoning behind boxing is simple, through repetition of skillful maneuvers, one develops a sense of time and space that enables the fighter to efficiently deliver devestating blows in an efficient compact form.  However, this takes time..and a lot of endurance.  Seeing 13 year old kids boxing, along with Professionals competing in a world-setting immediately grasps my attention to the legitimacy of this gym.  The teachers, smoking cigarettes in the corner, carefully watch the techniques of every student scouting for  true potential and the next phenomenon.  This world is unlike any world I have ever encountered.  Respect is the language, spoken in every punch, heard through every agonizing breath, felt in the contact of the punching bag, learned through entering the ring. 

Now, this world is a part of me.

GCF

God is really wonderful.  He is real.. he is only waiting for me to show up for the show and let it begin.

I did this morning..  After praying a hardy prayer for guidance to the church I had never attended many many miles away…I headed out for the 2 hour journey that would lead me there.  It seems to me, whenever your mind is set, God has a way of altering your path to show you who really is boss.  When I got to the lobby, I found a group of people waiting to go to the Shinchon subway station..exactly where I was headed!  What Luck!  Yet, before they actually left, a member of the group pointed out a sign mentioning a gathering in the lobby @1030Am to go to certain church…only 15 minutes away…with a name and telephone number.  Even though the group were aetheists, and joked on Christians…I still gave it a call and sure enough..I found a tour guide to the church.  Amazing.

Before walking through the maze of tunnels and roads to the station, I met Tammy, my tour guide, and we headed to our destination.  When we finally arrived, I met a few friends from school who also attended the meeting.  Also, I ate my first McDonald’s meal..a number 1 or “BulGogi Burger”..as they call it.  I also met a lot of new faces and personalites.  The church was really awesome, and I felt relieved to once again be in the prescence of God worshipping him in spirit and in truth.  I realize again and again that God is my rock and my foundation, my strong tower that will be here for me in the myriad of life and disasters to sustain me.  I am so blessed to have God in my life, and I would absolutely be lost and confound without his guiding hand and sustaining touch.  I am so grateful and humbled by him.

Afterwards, I journeyed back to Yonsei and met up with a few guys for lunch/dinner, then headed to Shinchon once again for some shopping.  I picked up a few necessities and headed back to my dorm. 

As always..i feel sad and sometimes alone.. a truly depressing feeling.  I am so far away from the people that I love..and i always know that no matter who I meet here, truly, they are still somewhat strangers and could never replace the comfort I feel with being with close friends who love and accept me for who I am.  I wish I could have someone here that I could run to and tell all of my emotions and struggles, but instead I keep them to myself and acknowledge the fact that I am here for personal growth, and must endure to indeed gain in wisdom and knowledge.  God is my only friend, and his thoughts only do I hearken unto, and trust.  At night, when I am alone in my thoughts, it is so lonely that honestly I wonder how can I endure many more months of this life-style.  To not be able to share this time with the one person with whom I have grown so attached forces me to dig deeper into my soul to examine my priorities..and engrain them even further into my core with the determination of success in spite of failure that lurks around every corner.  I am not a loser…never have been..and I am determined to succeed.

Nae Epoun Sae.

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Boxing, or…Both

I have a rare problem that is causing me to lose sleep…and the reasoning behind rare is that most problems are bad…or have at least a negative implication..however, this is a good problem. 

Or at least the type of problem you would prefer to have.

As the title implies, I want to become a professional fighter..yet the road to that goal is a bit confusing.  I have the rare prospect of taking Boxing lessons from a world-reknown gym in Seoul, at an exorbitant price..or taking Jiu Jitsu lessons from the University at a modest price for indeed quality instruction.  I cannot decide. 

This dilemma is causing me to lose sleep…as it is now early in the morning and I find myself contemplating this question.  To be able to break somebody’s arm in 3 places in a short period of time..or knock them unconscious from a left hook and right cross. 

This is a really tough question.

Conversation partner

Today was very interesting..as usual. I woke up pretty early to weight train in the morning…then spent a few hours chit chatting with friends from around the world. I had an unfortunate debate with a friend that caused me to be a little late to a lunch meeting in the afternoon, but afterwards I met up with some friends in the Global Lounge..sort of like the school meeting place to finally meet my conversation partner. I was really excited to finally see the person with who would be teaching me Korean..and she turns out to be a wonderful person. Her name is Ji Eun Yang, and she also speaks Japanese, Korean, and English..which is wonderful since I am trying to learn all of those languages as well.

 Being late to the meeting, I entered into the forum to witness hundreds of students crowded in groups, waiting to meet their partners.  I felt bored the whole time..and only hoped that the time spent there would prove to be meaningful.  SSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
Suppossedly, the concept behind conversation partners is to develop lasting friendships and bonds through language and communication. I am not sure this will happen, and the actuality of our interaction seemed to be scientifically formulated…we are ok as long as I teach English..and learn Korean.

Afterwards, I was really tired so decided to take a nap before going out for dinner. Me and the fellas went to a don katsu restaurant..a menu littered with varieties of Don Katsu..WOW. I find myself now still exhausted, preparing for church tomorrow and the subway I must trespass to arrive at my destination. I am a little apprehensive..but I am ready!

Activity Club Wednesday

Today was a very interesting day..  Instead of waking up @ the early hour..I decided to sleep in a little bit and get some extra rest.  I wasn’t really feeling my best and I needed the rest.  Needless to say, I attended class, and afterwards went to eat @ Burger King, my home away from home.  Strange enough, eating a whopper with fries brings me so much happiness with all the memories I’ve had with this simple meal.  Amazing.

 Around noon, I made some time to chat with my girlfriend, and I was feeling a little depressed.  Amazingly, when I could hear her voice, I felt extreme joy and sadness for being so close..yet so far away from such an amazing person.  When I think about her I feel sad, and I miss her tremendously.  As a remedy, I try to stay as busy as possible, constantly active to relieve the stress on my mind and pain I feel sometimes.  It is something that I have to live to deal with.  Nevertheless, I am in Korea and I try to learn as much as possible with what I have earned and been given.  Everyday is a challenge, and I wake up in the morning facing a new puzzle, how to get through the day in the most positive manner possible.  I find myself turning to God more and more, relying upon his strength and conviction, and the love in my heart grows when I think how blessed I truly am with the people in my life.  I miss my mom immeasurably and I think about her constantly… I only wish there was a way that I could communicate with her..and give her a hug to show her my love thousands of miles away.

I am so tired, yet sleep is a luxury.  My heart is heavy and again I contemplate life with its many uncertainties.  I only wish tomorrow was given so I could relax today.  Wishful thinking.

Hyo, you are an amazing person and an amazing girlfriend. I felt like I really couldn’t communicate how I felt and the trust I really have in you on the phone.  Like I told you long ago, nothing is really certain in life, and we take it a day at a time, moment by moment, decision by decision.  You told me that you have started to forget of me… and I wonder… what does this mean?  If you are not prepared to go through this trial, then I have no choice but to endure it alone.  I know that everyday I am not there, you face trials and tempations, as do I, but our relationship and love can overcome anything.  You may forget everything about me, but please don’t forget that every waking moment I am here is incomplete with you not by my side.  I know this is a little depressing, and I am sorry, but I thought to show you a more considerate side instead of the usual blockhead that I can be.  I am confident that we can overcome this..and I have no regrets.  Sleep well my darling, and hopefully I will see you in the dream.

Nae Epoun Sae.

Rise and Shine Sunshine

The somewhat disturbing words I woke up to this morning….@6am.  Every morning now..starting yesterday morning I will be working out with a professional fighter of MMA.  His name is Aaron, a really cool down to earth guy.  We happen to have a lot in common, and he actually is a lot like me in a lot of ways…especially so since hes one of the few friends I have that actually awaken at an early hour.

Let’s talk about my classes.  My international conflict class had about 5 people..and I will probably have to drop it since it conflicts with too much of my schedule.  My US AND WORLD class had around 200 people..and me and 3 others happen to be the only American students.  Being surrounded by a room full of Korean students in the thrall of text messaging and chatter gave me the distinct feeling that even though the words and culture might be different, habits and people are the same world-wide.  Interestingly, only me and the Spanish girl were the only 2 people asking questions, and I was disappointed in the professor for seemingly overwhelming the class with difficult vocabulary to supposedly confuse his multiracial subjects.  Nevertheless, the class was enjoyable..im glad to be learning again. 

My Korean class was enjoyable as well, even though the intensive Korean class I wanted to attend is full so I am stuck with the normal class.  It is ok..i will just study extra hard by myself. 

After classes today I joined a Christian meeting tonight @7pm @the Luce Chapel on campus.  The worship was wonderful and I felt relieved to be praising in a Christian environment again.  Interestingly, the youth pastor asked the congregation of new attendees for a volunteer for Bible trivia, and I was the first to do so.  It was enjoyable being on the stage more or less..”breaking the ice,” and I had a good time indeed turning the tables on the pastor and asking him questions lol.  It was nice meeting new people there, as well as reconfirming existing friendships.  Me and a few friends left the Bible study a little early to attend a friends 21st birthday, and we went out and bought a cake and ate dinner with him.  The girls in our group were eyeing the waiter, and our conversation was shallow but enjoyable.  It is fun sometimes to not talk about anything special at all, and just have fun!  I, along with Aaron left early however for again I will be getting up early to go to the gym and work out. 

I am so tired!

 I am glad Nae Epoun Sae that you are well and I am thinking of you as always.  I have 5 hours of classes tomorrow starting @11am, so I am looking forward to talking to you as well.  I hope you are well, mani pogosipo.  ^^

love love.

New Day..New beginnings

My life at Yonsei revolves around me meeting new people and establishing relationships. . .which is very good and well, but not what I am here for. What I am here for, is studying my ass off and learning as much Korean as I can, to hopefully be able to communicate with my friends and family.

Today was my first day of classes..and a lot has happened. Taking care of some business. . i tried to establish my Woori bank account but I cannot since I dont have my passport..which really sucks. I will not be able to establish my account for a couple of weeks until I can get my foreign registration card from the Seoul immigration office. So….until then…A friend of mine let me borrow some money and I graciously accepted until I can access my funds and not starve. Conveniently, after surprisingly afterwards, we saw a Burger King inside of the Severance Hospital where the bank was.. I was so happy I couldnt believe there was a Burger King so close to campus! I ordered the usual #1 with atypical excitement which must have seemed strange to the locals…just another crazy American..but I couldnt care less!!

Around 4pm…i met up with a few friends to take the placement test in Korean..which i totally failed. Needless to say..I will probably be starting at a low level along with many of my friends. I am nevertheless satisfied. After the test..I went to the gym with a couple of guys then played basketball. The guys @ the court are really good..and tall. I thought I was pretty much the best baller, until the Yonsei basketball players came out. They have really good ball control and movement, but still compared to American ballers they’re ok.

My ankle is swollen, my back is killing me, I am hungry, sweaty, cold, and dirty. These are the immediate problems I must take care in Korea..and I will do so immediately when I finish typing.