living my life
March 21, 2008
i just got back from the boxing gym, and my body feels terrific. I love the feeling of total exhaustion… a feeling when every muscle and nerve in your body has been worked over again and again. My life feels meaningful, and i am doing something that I always wanted to do. I have met a lot of great people at the boxing gym, and I see how it is becoming more important to my life in Korea. Soon I will be getting full time into jiu jitsu, and I cannot imagine now how I will make time for it in my encompassing schedule. Walking the streets of Shinchon at night is beautiful and picturesque. I glance at couples holding hands and inhale the ambience of life surrounding my every step. Strangely, I feel the touch of wonder upon my life at times, as if time slows to show me the grandeur and how beautiful life can sometimes truly be. I wonder what impact can anyone make in such a life. When thousands surround me and buildings loom menacingly, i can only guess at the scheme of life.
Nowadays, many people in my dormitory are constantly going out and partying. I tried that lifestyle briefly upon arrival to Korea, and was quite successful, nevertheless, it is boring and redundant and I cannot/ will not compromise my sense of morality and ethics for such meaningless acts. The same people I encounter everyday talk to me about the endless pursuits of dancing and drinking, and I cannot comprehend for the world why and how something so old and abused could still offer anything. These days, I find myself becoming more exclusive to develop my own personality and character. Pleasing everyone is impossible and I will not try. To do so will only be weak and compromising, a fakeness that is easily forecasted. Instead, i will again reach out more into the Korean community on campus, since I have been acquainted with many students since my arrival..i am ready for a fresh perspective. It is time that I stand up for what I believe in, and perhaps try to reach out to some of these people to offer a deeper insight into life before it is washed away in the madness of nonsense. In my social history class, we are discussing the colonization of Korea from Japan, and the exile independence movements that tried to establish nationalism for the Korean people to grasp and incorporate into their social existence. Looking at Koreans today, I wonder how would such nationalists react upon seeing the total transformation of modern society incorporating so many aspects of Western culture and trends. I ponder if such great philisophical minds like Ch’oe Namson and Hyon Sangyun who ardently fought against the Japanese totalitarian system, would second guess their struggle upon sadly seeing the de-evolution of Korean morals and traditional culture….and indeed if this is what they envisioned..
I sometimes cannot believe that I am living such a life… i close my eyes and life at home seems so close yet so distant. The hum drum of cars and the unease I constantly feel from being alone and independent sometimes leaves a sad mark on my heart…that I bear with the courage to face tomorrow. Yet, sometimes, I close my eyes at night in my bed and I can imagine that I am elsewhere, with my beautiful girlfriend beside me in some familiar place. I hold on to this image like sand in my grasp…and the tighter I grasp the more my mind cannot accept the reality of such a dream. I am left empty handed and alone again. This emptiness I feel I temper like fire to my soul…this emptiness is what I want and desire..so I can contemplate the meaning of life not in the illusion of total bliss..but in the gloom and reality of desparity. I hold on to it sometimes, in knowing that accomplishing this goal in my life will only bring me one step closer to being a more complete person..something a little more like God intended me to be. A scripture sometimes crosses my mind about people who love God..and what God has in store for them. I try to trust in God in that way..that through these trials he will be my advocater. What more can I ask?
nae epoun Sae…you know right?? 
i dont think i have to say it.
Kenny!
Dude man, even though I love the motherland and all, Korea has some messed up cultural ethics. Glad to see that you’re trying to be a man of character~
I am quite critical of Korea as well. I used to read history books for children when I was 5 about Korea, which I don’t remember much about anymore, unfortunately, but what I remember is feeling pride over the great deeds of individuals who dared to stand up to defend our country even when all seemed hopeless.. and reading about individuals who helped shape this country culturally made me proud, too.
But I loathe what it has become and the standards that our countrymen and countrysluts are shedding to become more “enlightened” as the Westerners would phrase it.. Enlightened with the Western ideas of false, mutated “feminism” and sexual freedom.. The women profess themselves to be the most beautiful in the world, which offends me, because I don’t believe that when God created mankind, he decided to bless very specifically the flat-faces living in the small peninsula with blue bruises on their Mongol butts to bear the most beautiful women.. or rather, bear the most skilled plastic surgeons to tear away the natural and create artificial beauty. The change that the country is going through may be good for the economy but I fear that the culture creates very superficial people.
Though I may bitch about America, when I listen to some of the things that my family members in Korea say, I cannot help but feel very appreciative of America.
But I’m sure that you will meet good native there. There’s still something… unique.. behind most Koreans. Especially the ones who have not fallen completely into the incongruent mindset of having Korean pride and selling values.
And sorry if my comment sounds incoherent. I don’t know if it does or not, but in case you think that this is a drunk-comment, I assure you it’s not. I have a minor concussion that prevents me from focusing.