Looks Like Another Rainy Day

gloomy and sullen clouds lurked in the sky this morning…depressing and downcast raindrops drawn unto my window pane..a new day is beginning.  With barely enough sleep to sicken even the busiest of college students, I summoned my every inner reserve to move my ankle that would wiggle my foot to begin the outward motion from leaving the comforts of my warm bed.  With my mind vehemently protesting at every conscious action taken, I begin the painstaking task of orientating myself to face another day.  Another challenge.  Another battle of maitaining the thread of being that identifies me as a person of integrity, without losing my soul to a world which seldom gives second chances.  A chill travels from my spine to my toes and back as humid skin encounters cold rigid air.  Opening the blinds to my window, I see the distant city before me, strong and dominating in the landscape, grotesquely humanesque without taste..only bitter efficiency.  Lifeless rain continually putters against the window glass and I sigh again…this time deeper and drawn out…it looks like another rainy day. 

Walking through the slick streets with frost lingering from every breath, I make my way to class.  I am late again.  The teacher does not seem to notice but I am not fooled.  Every action is taken note of, calculations and assumptions are made and I feel as if I might be developing a bad reputation for my tardiness.  In actuality..I guess this assumption woud not be too extreme..but I am a work in progress.  The seemingly endless repetition of class and break consumes my day.  Walking miles and miles around campus, I pass countless students, empty souled and empty spirited as we pass.  The rain seems to consume all energy on the campus.  Only cars and automobiles seem life-like..metallic monsters persistently screeching angrily at all who would dare come close..incompassionate and forever moving. 

Finally I see a smile..  it is so nice to see happiness amongst such gloom, and inwardly I am grateful.  I return it endearingly, and the moment is gone..soon to be forgotten.  But yet I remember.  I still remember. 

After eating lunch/dinner, I trek to the gym for the joy of my day.  Hitting the bags and working on my technique strengthens my resolve and relieves my stress.  My mind feels focused and sure..life is again sane.  We are all family here, regardless of any differences..we come for the same purpose and are like-hearted.  Sweat dripping from every pore, my muscles rack with aches yet this pain is welcome.  When I am done I receive nods of respect from my teachers and comrades.  I can ask for nothing more. 

On campus, people from the exchange program and in my dormitory knows that I am a fighter.  Everyone knows I have a girlfriend.  Everyone knows that I am a Christian.  Everyone knows I am here to study and not play.  I receive admiration from being a fighter, admiration and scorn for maintaining a long-distance relationship, criticism and questions regarding my faith, and respect for my choice to study.  This is currently what I stand for, and I am proud that I have established myself in a such a straightforward way.  After all, I’m a pretty straightforward guy.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Insomnia Part II

It is now 5am..and currently I have been awake for 46 hours.  I am not tired.  I wonder sometimes about the brain.  How funny it can be sometimes.  It demands sleep and you cannot function unless you obey..and sometimes..like now..it rejects sleep and stays aware for what purpose?  The worst part is knowing that soon it will again start demanding to sleep, at exactly the time you should be most aware. 

I awoke a little late this morning, around 7:30am, to a slight chill in the air and sullen weather.  Heading to the gym early in the morning has become my routine, as well as greeting the traffic guards who appreciatively greet me in broken English with genuine smiles.  When they see me coming, they smile and stop the traffic for me to pass…such simple acts I really appreciate.  After training with my friend Aaron for about a month now, I have picked up many of his habits, as well as his apetite.  Aaron eats like an animal.  There is no reasonable explanation how or why his body can sustain the amount of food that it does, and I am amazed and in awe to see the spectacle of his quantitative consumption during a meal.  Nevertheless, i have definitely an increased apetite, and find myself craving food more often.  There is nothing really new in my routine these days.  On Mondays,  I work out in the mornings, study in the afternoons, go to class in the late afternoons, and box my ass off until night.  Afterwards I grab lunch at a local restaurant, my favorite, usually ordering Bul Go Gi Dol Sot Bap..also my favorite.  Meeting people everyday however is a true joy, and I sincerely feel happy and blessed to have the ability to bring smiles to random peoples faces.  Whenever I feel depressed, a lot of people can sense it and ask me if I am ok…and this I also really appreciate.  I think it goes to show that kindness and going out of your way to be a “better” person has its rewards, especially if you do it for the right reasons.  Korea is wonderful, and is treating me very well.  My perspective of it has changed slightly since I have arrived, but this is now my home. . . now if only I could figure out the subway system…I will be indominatable!!

im getting a little sleepy now..so a new day awaits me..in approximately 1 hour 45 minutes.  Cant wait to get started.  . .:(

Holding on to something important

In life, sometimes things become a little blurry.  Our vision is no longer 20/20, or it changes so we view similar things from a different perspective.  Does that take away from what that thing is?  I would like to think not.  In life, sometimes you really have to fight for what you believe in, and take a stand that does not waver.  This is a lesson that I am learning now.  Prioritizing what is important, and what is not, and looking inside to find inner happiness is where genuine truth is also found.  In life, sometimes you have to sacrifice for something important, giving up the temporary pleasure for something much greater.  It is difficult at the time, but in the end, struggling for something to have makes it that much more valuable.  Sometimes in life…. you have to hold on to something important.  Even when it doesn’t make sense to do so…even when all odds are against you and everyone calls you an idiot for doing so..if your heart speaks true you have no choice but to listen.  When holding on to something important, it is essential to remember why you are holding on.  When thousands of doubts fill your mind and uncertainty for tomorrow casts darkness on your day, you must remember the light amidst such darkness, and the love and joy that will make you last one more day.  When you find something important to hold on to, no matter what, problem or not, you do not let go.  And if you must, then you do so knowing that God is in control and will handle the situation the way he always does.  Perfectly. 

I have found many things important in my life, and again, I find myself doing something I would not usually do.  It really is not logical to do something that statistically, fundamentally, eventually and probably will lead to failure.  Personally, it is against my nature to place my trust in anyone other than family and God.  Some may call me a fool for being so hopeful, optimistic, sentimental, but I have greater faith in life and tomorrow to let any criticism hinder my heart.  My only hope is that my hope is for not for naught.  As always..what will be will be. 

Nae Epoun Sae.

walking asleep

Today was a pretty interesting day.  i woke up early to the  putter of acid rain pouring down in Seoul.  I heard rumors that acid rain will actually make people go bald..so i am very mindful of carrying around umbrellas these days.  After chatting briefly with my girlfriend, I hurriedly got dress, brushing my teeth and washing my face while trying to find a decent outfit to wear to church.  Luckily, church people are patient and together we traversed the 1 hour long journey to our new found place of worship.  Being that today is Easter Sunday, in worship we focused on the resurrection of Christ and the importance of his ascension after death.  Unfortunately, I found myself dozing off repeatedly due to my severe lack of sleep, altogether because of my irresponsibility.  After service, I finally had my chance to get on the drum set and played a couple songs with the worship band, with about a hundred people meandering around talking about.  It was a relief to again be playing, and the worship leader liked me enough that he invited making me the drummer, however, I am not sure this is a responsibility I can handle.  Nevertheless, I met many people today, and re-confirmed past relationships with great Christian friends.  I really enjoy service at this church, and I find myself growing in many ways learning from the wisdom of people who have lived longer in years and endured much.  Dinner was at some restaurant where about a hundred of us ate together with the Indian pastor who is leaving for America soon newly engaged to his fiance.  I am really saddened by his departure, as he definetely seems to be a person i could learn a lot from.  I wished today I carried my camera, since I missed capturing so many happy memories here.  Yet, I am sure there are many to come.

When I arrived back to my dorm around 6, a few friends ordered out Ja Ja Myung and watch Ole’ Boy in the lounge in the basement.  Wow…what a sick movie. 

Now I am exhausted, and must really sleep.  I have a busy day tomorrow, starting @7am ending around 10pm.  I feel like im gonna pass out. 

i need a massage..

living my life

i just got back from the boxing gym, and my body feels terrific.  I love the feeling of total exhaustion… a feeling when every muscle and nerve in your body has been worked over again and again.  My life feels meaningful, and i am doing something that I always wanted to do.  I have met a lot of great people at the boxing gym, and I see how it is becoming more important to my life in Korea.  Soon I will be getting full time into jiu jitsu, and I cannot imagine now how I will make time for it in my encompassing schedule.  Walking the streets of Shinchon at night is beautiful and picturesque.  I glance at couples holding hands and inhale  the ambience of life surrounding my every step.  Strangely, I feel the touch of wonder upon my life at times, as if time slows to show me the grandeur and how beautiful life can sometimes truly be.  I wonder what impact can anyone make in such a life.  When thousands surround me and buildings loom menacingly, i can only guess at the scheme of life. 

Nowadays, many people in my dormitory are constantly going out and partying.  I tried that lifestyle briefly upon arrival to Korea, and was quite successful, nevertheless, it is boring and redundant and I cannot/ will not compromise my sense of morality and ethics for such meaningless acts.  The same people I encounter everyday talk to me about the endless pursuits of dancing and drinking, and I cannot comprehend for the world why and how something so old and abused could still offer anything.  These days, I find myself becoming more exclusive to develop my own personality and character.  Pleasing everyone is impossible and I will not try.  To do so will only be weak and compromising, a fakeness that is easily forecasted.  Instead, i will again reach out more into the Korean community on campus, since I have been acquainted with many students since my arrival..i am ready for a fresh perspective.  It is time that I stand up for what I believe in, and perhaps try to reach out to some of these people to offer a deeper insight into life before it is washed away in the madness of nonsense.  In my social history class, we are discussing the colonization of Korea from Japan, and the exile independence movements that tried to establish nationalism for the Korean people to grasp and incorporate into their social existence.  Looking at Koreans today, I wonder how would such nationalists react upon seeing the total transformation of modern society incorporating so many aspects of Western culture and trends.  I ponder if such great philisophical minds like Ch’oe Namson and Hyon Sangyun who ardently fought against the Japanese totalitarian system, would second guess their struggle upon sadly seeing the de-evolution of Korean morals and traditional culture….and indeed if this is what they envisioned..

I sometimes cannot believe that I am living such a life… i close my eyes and life at home seems so close yet so distant.  The hum drum of cars and the unease I constantly feel from being alone and independent sometimes leaves a sad mark on my heart…that I bear with the courage to face tomorrow.  Yet, sometimes, I close my eyes at night in my bed and I can imagine that I am elsewhere, with my beautiful girlfriend beside me in some familiar place.  I hold on to this image like sand in my grasp…and the tighter I grasp the more my mind cannot accept the reality of such a dream.  I am left empty handed and alone again.  This emptiness I feel I temper like fire to my soul…this emptiness is what I want and desire..so I can contemplate the meaning of life not in the illusion of total bliss..but in the gloom and reality of desparity.  I hold on to it sometimes, in knowing that accomplishing this goal in my life will only bring me one step closer to being a more complete person..something a little more like God intended me to be.  A scripture sometimes crosses my mind about people who love God..and what God has in store for them.  I try to trust in God in that way..that through these trials he will be my advocater.  What more can I ask? 

nae epoun Sae…you know right??                  

i dont think i have to say it.

MONEY TALKS

..currently it is night in Korea..  the wind is restless and echoing throughout my room is the constant clatter of the blinds rattling against the window pane.  I hear a distant howl in the city outside of my window, and the only light in my room radiates from the neon glow of my labtop monitor. . .as always when it is night.. I feel a little sick, with the covers over me and a roll of paper towels near my bed…somewhere.

The past couple of days have been eventful..if not somewhat disturbing.  Apart from the fact that my cough has only improved moderately, I have decided that I will see the doctor when I do have the opportunity.  Nevertheless, sickness is not my biggest concern.  Seemingly, there is a problem with transfering money over from my American bank accounts, and I am faced to meagerly ration the little pocket money I now have until “the calvalry” of hundreds of thousands of Korean wons swoops in to my great relief.  It is definetely not easy to be meager in a city of endless possibilities, yet, a little discipline will go a long way here.  .  and conveniently adding on to this theme..

Yesterday, I got a job.

As of now, I will be teaching English to a somewhat affluent family in an apartment complex hundreds of miles away from Yonsei.  I have absolutely no clue how I will get there, and I am forced to face the gauntlet of subway stations and buses that will eventually lead me to the mini-treasure trove I have found.  Concerning fees..I will earn around 40000 won per hour..on the weekends per student per hour.  This will translate into 70000 won per 2 students, with the fee being a bit more during the weekdays.  For those of you who know not about the won..I will be earning roughly 40 dollars an hour as an English tutor..working possibly 5 hours a week.  However, the money in itself is not the real story…

Where this story gets a bit interesting is the reason why I am getting this somewhat ample amount.  The kid I will be teaching..Chong Ii..is a brat.  True to heart, undisciplined, sniveling adolescent of 14 years of existence out to prove only what God knows.  .  .and I like him.  He reminds me of me somehow..in a strange indescribable way, and we get along.  The mother was quite surprised and shocked to learn that I could actually handle him, but I have a way with kids that most people dont seem to understand.  Kids are shockingly intelligent in the simplified world they know, and the language many of them speak is earnestness and heirarchal respect.  I presented both in a 1, 2 combination and the rest was smooth sailing.  His mother contrarily, was the bigger obstacle.  Eating dinner with the group of friends who arranged this rendezvous, I met her quite amiably to find my gesture returned aesthetically.  However, I know how to speak many languages, many of them not necessarily with words.  I was as kind to her as possible, but I have learned that when dealing with money, unfortunately, good action and deed can sometimes be misinterpreted as perpetuated want or desire.  I showed neither.  Inwardly, I could not have really cared less for this rude woman and child, and this must have shown.  And strange enough, I think she must have appreciated such a straight-forward attitude.  Nevertheless, unfortunately, I would be fooling myself to think attitude in itself in such a situation was enough.  Sadly, I am afraid that appearance is most important, especially in a culture that venerates beauty, and my superficial physical attributes without a doubt was a factor in the decision.  I could tell the moment she sized me up, and her pending decision was acknowledged instantly through her desire to indeed keep me as a teacher.  I look down upon such people, for the simple fact that such choices are out of hand and control, and not fair, unfortunately, for many….  In the end, I found myself in a car en route to her place, and in the awkward situation of talking dollar(won) amounts.  Every arrangement I offered was met, and I was quite satisfied with the results.  What I have learned is that money and people go hand and hand.. handling one takes care of the other.. and this interaction I call Business… Call it what you want..but I’m getting to know money..and I definetely know people.  In my understanding of these two concepts, life has become somewhat easier…

well..for now I will be hitting the books.  Since it is Wednesday night..many of my friends have went to the clubs, especially so since it is ladies night out.  I have chosen not to, but instead, I will journey into the lounge area with my lifelines of knowledge to learn and progress in mental aptitude. . . I have inwardly pity for people whos existence revolve around superficialities of nightlife and alcohol.  Truly, what greater exhibition of sorrow and low worth is there but to seek love through such temporal means..a constant cycle of pleasure and the emptiness that follows.. the yearning to find happiness.  I have already found my happiness, and life is so much more beautiful because of it. 

Nae Epoun Sae.

..thankyou.

..today is the 17th of March..and time is indeed ticking.  I take the time now to look back upon my journey into Korea..from past to present and the experiences I have already encountered.  Currently, the day is lazy and somewhat gloomy, with construction outside of my dormitory and the lulling chant of a workman on a megaphone..droning on and on about the same phrase.  I am still sick…just relaxing in my dormitory gaining my strength and health. 

On my computer..im listening to my favorite Korean Artist..  M. C. Sniper..”Better than Yesterday”.. and Yun Mirae ’s remix..songs that I have made my theme for my stay in Korea.  Every day is a challenge in Korea.. a struggle to survive with my morals and ethics intact..it is so easy to compromise with the world at your fingertips…but for what purpose is it to gain the whole world and lose your soul??

I will not lose focus of what is important. 

I take the time now to reflect.. what have I truly learned and gained from this time?  I truly feel blessed indeed with what precious time I have been given, and I am happy.  That statement is very important, because whether we realize it or not..we have all been given much.  The trick is to see what has been given to you…and choose to be happy.  This is an ever-evolving constant decision..but one that i nevertheless must make…for my own benefit. 

 I thank God first and foremost.  In life, you will encounter many people.  People with faith, without faith, strong and weak-willed…the enthusiast, the pessimist, the instigator, peace-maker, joker, compassionate person, loving, selfish…

however…the most impactful people in my life are the people who have faith.  The people who have seen life..in all of its grittiness and ugliness, yet have felt the heart of God and know the truth in it.  I met such a person yesterday, the pastor of an inter-denominational church here in Seoul.. “Jubilee Church”.  He told his convoluted story from rags to riches..to having the world only to see the emptiness in the promise.  I respect him for his choice, and seeing clearly what others have seen..but have chosen to disregard.  Truth is often obvious, but we have to choose to see it often times…because often it is profound and its implications are life-changing.   

I also want to thank my family.  My family has sacrificed tremendously for me.. and I am so blessed and happy to have them.  I am so happy to have my father, who could have statistically bounced like so many other fathers, but chose to be upright and a prescene in my life..for good and for bad.  I thank my mother..my true advocator in this life.  She’s like the most wonderful person, and even though we are all weak sometimes..her strength and endurance for life is admirable and a testimony to all of the strength and spirit of human-nature.  She is my heart. 

I am so lucky to have my brother..without him I would not be the person I am today.  From day 1, he was my partner in crime, and even though our ways are not the same..he is the only person in this world who can say from start to finish that we’ve been through everything together.  He was my role-model for many years, with his charm and intelligence.  I feel God has many plans for him..if only he takes the time to stand up for himself and get rid of all the bad influences in his life.  I know in my heart he can do magnificent things in life..if he chose to stand for God.  I know God has a special place in his heart for my brother..I can feel it and I can only wait to see the marvelous plans he has in store for him unfold. 

For everyone else..no one is perfect in some way or another…  From this day..until the last breath is taken… I can only ask myself and everyone who might be reading this a few things.  To be honest.. most importantly, to yourself.  To fool others is in itself something..but to look in the mirror and see anything but blatant truth..  when it looks you eye to eye is foolish beyond comprehension.  People are so selfish these days and I would also ask that everyone take the time to be more considerate..and be the person to have the heart to take the extra step to make a positive impact for humanity.  It is so easy to keep an empty stare and protected heart against the world..but i remember that the opposite of love is not hate..rather indifference.  Make a difference from the little things we can all do…every big step starts from the simple act of making a decision, and doing it. 

I would like to take the time now to say thankyou.  Even if I have never met you..you chose to take the time to read this blog..and hopefully learn from my experiences.  To you.. I say thankyou.  To the people who I know, I thankyou for being there for me, and helping me in my life.  I really appreciate your love and concern, and would only ask that you share it as much as possible for those who are down and out.. give me an orange and I’de say thankyou..give it to an orphan or some starving kid and you might have forever changed a life. 

I say thankyou to Nae Epoun Sae. She has been strong for me when I have needed her to be, an ever present source of love and support.  Every day is a new challenge.. nevertheless I am thankful for every day we share and the opportunity to have such a special person in my life.  She nags me a little sometimes..however every morning when I hear her voice..it melts my heart in a way that I cannot explain.  Thankyou.

I say thankyou to all of my friends who might be reading this…you know who you are.  Its cool here in Korea..but honestly it would be so much funner if you guys were here.  To go out and chill..eat the food and travel around Seoul would be ridiculously crazy.  But until I see you guys I say thankyou so much for your support and love through the comments.  It means a lot to me, and even though I dont reply to everything..that does not take away from how much it means to me that you guys are there.  Be strong and stay healthy…see yah in a few.  Thankyou.

much love guys.. 

i miss walmart

i miss walmart.

i miss my car.

i miss my family.

i miss clean air.

i miss my girlfriend.

i miss greasy burgers.

i miss walmart.

i miss my mom.

i miss her cooking.

i miss christian people.

i miss american people.

i miss finger nail clippers.

i miss gatorade in large bottles

i miss walmart.

i miss walmart.

i miss walmart.

i remember this…somehow

every so often..i get a weird feeling.  a feeling ..almost like an omen.  A sign…a telltale marker in my life…sort of like dejavu.

I cannot really explain it….at all.  There really is no logical explanation…simply that, sometimes I feel like Ive seen a situation before..as it is happening.. perhaps in a dream or in some altered state of mind. 

 Whenever this happens, I feel like I am trespassing a marker point in my life..all ultimately leading up to a big…”something.” 

I also feel that these “omens” are signs…maybe warnings somehow to remind me of something that I am missing..or not getting right..or not catching.   Nevertheless, the feeling is profound and impactful..almost breath catching and sentence stopping…so felt it is that I sometimes get chills/shivers in my spine..my soul is uneasy.

Anyhow..a bible scripture keeps coming to mind….paraphrased..”that young men will have visions”

If this is what it is..then I hope that I am ready for what is in store for me…Because I have indeed had some unbelievably vivid..sometimes horrid/drastic ”visions”…that I feel possibly might exist in the realm of tomorrow’s potentialities.

not elevator conversation

Something has been bothering me…

Well…starting off…there is an appropriate time for something…and inappropriate times for the same things. 

Well………”ahem…ahem”

Yesterday was my first time taking a public shower.  And I mean public.  PUBLIC… P U B L I C . . . no curtains.  no “barriers” only you water soap and what nature/God has given you. 

After boxing practice, I noticed my friends going to take showers, and since I have never taken a PUBLIC….shower before, I was somewhat reluctant to do so.  Nevertheless, I decided yesterday to do so, and entering the bathroom, i began to undress.  Well……………….

It just so happens there was a gentleman already in the shower..doing his business… which is totally 100% fine…AOK..

However…………..

this guy starts to strike up a random conversation with me…which is also AOK fine…etc..

However………………….

he just so happens to be butt ball naked in front of me, asking me questions about my livelihood in broken English.  That scene in itself is disturbing, but all I can still imagine is his middle aged balding head and naked body in front of me jiggling rythmically to every swipe of his washcloth, discussing world affairs as if walking through the park munching on a hotdog.  I can also imagine a few other little details..pun intended, yet I would not like to do so.  The whole time..I was trying to remember the homosexuality demographics and rate in Korea..and I was greatly disturbed that I could not recall any statistics.

He soon realized that I was not in the talking mood, and changed his position again into the shower head.  To my great relief. 

Taking a public shower was a bit weird, but after I indeed got in there, I began to feel right at home strangely.  My friends started coming in and sooner than you know it we were discussing life in general..no problem. 

These days, I have conquered my…”apprehension” about public showers, however, my first very weird experience is something I will never forget. 

 ”ahem..ahem”