I SAW A MAN WALKING.

I ALMOST CRIED.

IT WAS BLISTERING COLD OUTSIDE.

RIGID SHIVERS IN THE FRIGID AIR.

UNFORGIVING IN SOLITUDE.

HE WALKED.

STUMBLING.

HAGGARDLY.

FORWARD.

THE CRUELTY OF LIFE. THE DESPAIR OF MAN.  THE LIFE FORGOTTEN, TIME AT HAND.  EMPTY HANDED, EMPTY SPIRITED, RAGGED CLOTHING AND SOLEMN DESPERATION. HE WALKED.  SUMMER, WINTER, FALL, WINTER…TRANSITIONS AND TRANSFORMATIONS.  A CONSTANT THROUGH TIME, SEASONS, HABITUAL DESPAIR AND SOLITUDE.

I CRIED INSIDE FOR THE LOST HOPES, DREAMS, TRAGEDIES AND CIRCUMSTANCE.

PAIN, CRUELTY, RIDICULE, OBSCURITY OF LIFE.

MY INADEQUACIES, WEAKNESS, COMFORT, EASE, FAILURE.

I AM THE MAN.

I WALK.

OUR FAILURES, OUR WEAKNESS, OUR OBSCURITY.

OUR DESTINY, OUR FUTURE, OUR PAST.

WE SHARE.

I CRY INSIDE FOR OUR LOST DREAMS.

HIS PAIN IS MINE,

I WALK IN HIS SHOES.

hand in hand

 

today i saw something special.. which leads me to this question.

what is  . .  .             love?

is it the words of a lover?

“i love you”.. or.. “..i will forever love you…”

spoken passionately in desire.. or softly whispered in the ear. 

is it the pungeant perfume in the spring air heightening the senses and fulfilling life’s promises.

or the handsome man or stunning woman that quickens your heart.. slowing down time.. your hands unsure and mind in doubt.

can you feel it?  how does it feel?  do we really understand it?  deserve it?  we yearn for this idea we call love..yet are cheaply satiated with.. other lesser substitutes.  therefore.. are our own yearnings sincere..? furthermore, can we claim to be?

is it the breeze in the wind.. the stars in the sky.. the grass in the field.. birds in the air.. bond of a mother.. embrace of a child.. the slow kiss.. union of flesh…

is it the mournful song..

does it fade like the waning sky..  or persist like the tides of the oceans…

what is lost love?  what happens to the love that was once shared?

does it go to the lover’s cemetery.. buried, kept hidden, forgotten. 

what is love?

today.  . .  i witnessed it.

it was stunning.. like a revelation from eternity, God shifted the universe and time to reveal a window of passing..a sight for my eyes to lay upon and understand.  Today my heart cherished something precious and I grew again.  Through this sight.. I am a better man.

Rarely does something so subtle impact my life.. going to the core of my being.

On a calm breezy day.. there was a handsome old man and woman.. walking hand in hand.

i stood for a couple of seconds still and quiet.. letting this moment and sight sink into my soul.  I studied the vision before me.. a man of many years.. his back arched and sunken from the weight of countless untold struggles.. clean dressed and obsolete of the worries of the young.  Grace given in old age.. his hand outstretched to grasp his wife.  His soul-mate and his lover.  Once young and passionate they held each other through countless nights..countless ordeals and struggles.  Heart-ache and pain those hands embraced..hand in hand.. together and strong.  I could imagine a vibrant life long ago.  A woman without wrinkles..once gorgeous and graceful in a lazy summers dress..the center of attention with numerous prospects.  Her hair long and glimmering, lightly perfumed she would capture the hearts of many.. yet only choose one.  Her husband, tall, strong, vibrant and easy going in his demeanor.  Charissmatic and charming.. a bull in his prime.  One fateful day..he would fall in love with his beauty.. dedicating his life for their future.  Throughout the years.. I imagined her looks slowly waning.. the make-up applied to cover the emerging wrinkles..hair a little shorter and dress more modest. 

 The pursuers now gone, admirers vanished to a new generation with toddlers about and a new life.  Finally, at a ripened old age.. beauty long vanished along with the jubilence of youth a memory.  He would still lay beside her in their bed…alone in the world except for their love.. and whisper in her ear just as passionately as countless days ago how beautiful she truly is.  Softly and powerfully he would convey how much he loved this woman and perhaps nudge her to a fit of laughter.. easing the aches and burdens of long life.  I gazed at this man and woman.. and realized without doubt this old wary couple could very well be the two most radiant individuals to grace my eyes in many years. 

I wanted to share this amazing sight.. to grab hands and point for other eyes to witness this soulful spectacle.. brief and gone like a streaking meteor in the night sky.  I wanted to go to them.. shake their tired wrinkly hands.  Ask them to impart their wisdom and understanding into my heart.. see their struggle and believe in their passion.   to feel their pain.. their loss..to partake of something so special.  Cry with their triumph. . congratulating them for overcoming the world that so desperately humiliates the strong and weak alike.. stealing the souls of the innocent and rejoicing at our failures.  A world where countless lovers of enduring passion.. of bright futures and golden tomorrows were cut short.. a lesser love .. without the strength to endure and stolen from the woes of broken promises. 

Most importantly,  I felt through this couple…

through this wrinkled, earnest old man and woman…

a committment so pure and sincere it transformed its inhabitants into something more than human.. like the Greeks who wisely said wisdom is gained through suffering.  this couple of many years demonstrated in one simple graceful motion all of the potential man-kind could exhibit.  They exemplified the perserverance of the human spirit, the deep dedication that is seen through.. 

 In one act, he demonstrated all that I could be, should be, will be… a vision one day I will tread in his shoes with a life-time of memories and love to contemplate, ambering along ever so slowly.. eternity in my grasp. 

Out of respect.. i stood quietly and said nothing.

I stood motionless for many minutes watching them. .until finally they were before me.   

Then I took a picture.

Without them noticing, they continued in their journey, slow and without hurry, into the distant horizon and into my soul and memory forever.

shattered glass

forces from beyond propel the cup from the table

lifelessly it wanders to the earth, careless and free in exasperated relief

the point of contact..where two points touch..redefines its existence

like a snapshot in eternity, a fleeting moment seen only in reflection’s eye

violently without purpose strewn apart

from the pressure of the world and illusion of lost strength

fragments implode beauty lost

integrity gone forever changed

shattered pieces on the floor

swept together thrown away

“Goose’s Dream” by: Lee Juck and Kim Dong Ryul

Every Goodbye is a Small Death

The time for parting was inevitable.  From the moment we stepped off the plane.. like a distant yesterday, we knew that every experience and moment we shared in this remote land would conclude in a goodbye.. a hand shake.. a warm embrace.. a longing heart and the solitary walk in life that we must all experience when the music fades.  Another chapter in life has been completed, and another begins.  This chapter concludes with me now.. recapping my experience over the past four months with a somber spirit, contrite in reflection and in awe of destiny.  I am amazed.  I am in shock.  I am in disbelief that so many wonderful experiences, so many challenges and fulfillment will now conclude with the dimming of the lights and the curtains slowly drawing.  Looking back, I gaze at the past with memories perception, watching the soft snow drift lazily in Incheon International Airport as the plane touched down.  I remember the utter excitement and eager anticipation for tomorrow.. for tomorrow.  Now.. these memories are embedded in my soul, oh so near my soul that I can never be the same person again as I remember yesterday.  I look back over Yesterday, so eager for tomorrow, and the Present seems surreal.  Not in many years have I felt this way.. a feeling of complete loss and surrender into the hands of God.  There are so many ways I can write this post, and in itself this documentation is as important as the experiences they detail since they are connected hand in hand.  I will only say that life is like a moving current, always shifting and forever changing.  The constants in life are few.. as well as quality friends to whom you can lean upon for guidance and support.  I am very pleased to say that I have found such people here, and that in itself makes this experience worthwhile.  However, I am in disbelief, even to myself at the amount I have accomplished.  With God’s grace, my eyes have been opened to the beauty of life, to the heartbreak of loving and the joy of trusting. 

Korea is a beautiful place.. it has much promise and I remember vividly the joy of being alive.. here.  I love Korea for its lifestyle, always busy and forever in motion.  So many people are here, so much activity.. I wonder how will I adopt to the suburban life-style again.  IN my short stay here, I have aquired the titles of boxer, university athlete, praise band member, brother, friend, and even from time to time..”basketball jang”. . or king of the court.  Yet, these titles are worthless without the purpose for which God intended them to impact my life… which leads me to the conclusion of this journey.  If I could tell myself 4 months prior what the outcome of this experience would be.. my words would echo..”God has a purpose for your life and Korea will clarify and brighten the path to your destiny.” 

I once heard that every goodbye is a small death.  and.. in a way its true.  Even so now, my heart is heavy and inwardly I cry as endearing friends depart from my life.  Never, to again cross paths, destiny has not yet revealed.  Yet, the longing road we travel we must travel alone, and in this journey a helping hand is a gift from God.  Such gifts, are not lightly taken, and on the dusk of departure, I can only trust their fate and well-being into his hands.  Every death is a longing goodbye, and in the same manner I let go praying and hoping for the warmth of tomorrow to lighten this load.  I feel.. in Korea, I have found many things.. and in this discovery.. is more sorrow.  For in discovering something of importance.. the loss of losing is evermore present.  

Tomorrow is a new day.. and I will leave behind so many memories.  Yet.. in my heart they reside.  New challenges await.. and I wholeheartedly look to God’s favor and support to the next chapter of my life.. so as they say..

until we meet again.

much love peace and joy.. from Ken in Korea.. its been a real pleasure.  

God Bless. 

“Magnificent” by: Hillsong

JIm Jae Bong.. library exams.. boxing and shoes.

Yesterday was interesting day.  The day was long.. and I got my first paycheck from teaching English. It was 360 dollars..and I didnt even teach much yet.  I met with my prospective students and introduced my material.  I must have really impressed the parents because sooner than i knew it they were dishing out money.. the classic arrangement to make sure i would not go elsewhere.  I met with Jung Yoon.. and bought her a cake to show some appreciation.  Riding the bus here to Doo .. whatever is kinda difficult.. but something I have to figure out if I want to teach.  Afterwards.. I studied.. and sooner than not I met up with this guy named Jason.

We went to a Jim Jae Bong.. basically a hot room for a lot of Korean people.. who were naked.  And staring at me.. But I was already used to that.. It was really refreshing to sit in the hot baths and soak up the soothing aromas.  Afterwards we went downstairs and sat in the jim jae bongs.. pretty much huts that are heated by fires.. there we got in and out soaking up the heat and sweatign like pigs.  The girls Tiff and Elise were also there..and we sat together and ate and talked.  It was interesting seeing the interaction amongst the people.. I felt like an observer time and time again.  Yup.. we spent the night there..and all night long I could see Korean people staring at me.. it was no shock again.. but again I am sure because I am a handsome guy.. because they usually smiled @ me and girls were looking a lot more than guys.

I left around12pm.. headed back to my dorm and was knocked out.  Afterwards I ate lunch @KLI met up w/ a few friends and went to Korean class for which i was totally unprepared for.  I have my first KLI test tomorrow.. so I must get ready for that.  I pray God will always bring me peace and help me in my endeavors.  He is my peace.  Love to all. . love to all.

Open for the world to see…

My eyes in America are closed.  I find myself often wondering what is going on there?  The news, politics, current affairs.. I am clueless to the latest events and it is sometimes scary.  But more importantly, I really wonder how life is back in the states for my close friends and family.  Everyone always tells me positive things… nothing negative.  This is the ultimate paradox and it really makes me worry.

Writing in a website is not easy.  Pouring out your heart and soul..thoughts and emotions online for all to read about feels unnatural…  Nevertheless..i feel that someone out there will be able to see my struggle and live and learn from the things I have encountered.  All of the heartache and loss..seeing new sights and meeting new people.  Maintaining integrity and strength amidst such blatant corruption is not easy.  Maybe someone will truly understand something from my words..wisdom gained from an insightful mind.  However, there is so much more i would like to write..so much more i would like to share and open up…but i haven’t the courage to do so.

i want to pour out my heart, to truly express my every desire and urge, worry and fear.  I have so many things going on in my life here daily, and even in America that i can swim in a pool of my own doubts and worries if i allowed myself such liberty.

I just wish there was a way to know.  If i could truly know what is in the hearts of people my life would be easier. 

Ewan and a “light” sparring session

“Alright.. Ewan.  We’re just gonna go light this round OK!!  I want to make sure I get my moves down right”  I say.

“Sure..no problem.. just like this..??” he  jabs lightly at my forearm. 

“Yea..thats good!!”

“Good.. are you ready?”  ..”yea.. i’m ready!!”

…the bell chimes…”dingggg”

Earlier in the day I played football for the university…  Before that me and some friends ventured to the Yonsei court for a few games of basketball with the locals.  Already I am exhausted…looking inwards for motivation and strength.  I pray to God for strength and clear sight and thinking..and I am blessed to receive it.  I emphasize this to Ewan and the look in his eyes tells me that he understands.  Good…I am ready.

Me and Ewan dance around each other in the ring..my arms are heavy with the weight of the gloves and I cannot breathe from the headpiece that is strapped around my face.  I watch his moves and anticipate his punches..but we are really cautious…initially.

The whole gym stops mid…everything to watch Ewan and I in the ring.  The coaches are standing in the back..arms crossed ignoring the TV set that is blaring unattended in the background.  I notice a group of cheerleaders in our corners..and I try earnestly to block out all that is around me.  I ignore everyone and enter into my own mental zone.  There is only me..my gloves..and Ewan in front of me..menacing me with his eyes..anticipating my moves.  I throw a jab..harmless and…light.  I estimate my range to his face…calculating his reaction time.  We dance around each other and he cautiously throws a jab..then another.  I get a feel for his movement and I score the first punch.  Faking the jab..I come in with the right hook..lightly.. simultaneously noticing my coach eagerly anticipate the action in the corner.  At this point..early into our first match the dynamics of the fight have already changed.  Adrenaline rushing into our veins..this is no longer a “light” match as I am about to discover.  Ewan is a bit unsettled and comes in harder.  “Jab..jab..hook”.  He scores his first blow and I take a step back from the force.  Definetely not…”light”.  I again tell him that this is a light sparring match..and receive an appreciative nod.  “Sorry”..he mutters.

However..actions speaks louder than words.

For the next three minutes..I find myself in a brawl. 

Hooks and uppercuts are thrown…selflessly and wholeheartedly.  I jab..sidestep and jab again.  I score a punch to his face and notice his sloppy movements.  But he is quick.  Really quick.  He comes in and jabs twice to my face going hard to my body torso.  I feel his power but make him pay dearly with a couple of jabs.  “One Two” I count off in my head.  He grunts and I continue..but I am already exhausted.  Dancing around the ring I feel the weight of the gloves increasing..and I continue jabbing.  “Hook..Hook..jab jab.. side step jab.” My coaches eyes are intense… and I hear a chorus of advice..   (in Korean) amidst the heavy breathing that fills my world.  My head is throbbing from his last punch..but I see the insecurity in his eyes.  I cannot let him know that I am tired and weak.. I have to show my strength.. I will not lose. 

But I do.

Halfway through the 3rd round I call it quits.  I am sincerely annoyed at myself for putting myself in this position..but intensely proud that I stood up to a seasoned boxer and did very well.  Blood trickles from my nose and a friend hands me a tissue.  My coaches nod their heads at me..”Goo Dah Chi” they all say.. many of them asking me if I sparred before.  My head is throbbing and my jaw doesn’t shut properly..now.  But I feel that every punch I thow and beating I take irons me out to be that much of a stronger fighter now and in the future.  Tomorrow I will work on my uppercuts and ducks… 

This first loss of mine I will not easily forget either…a tremendous motivation for me in the future. 

 

“I want you naughty” by: Drunken Tiger

This is my life in Korea.. strange enough.  This song represents a lot of what I see everyday.